Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
