Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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