Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
