Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
