Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
