it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
