Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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