let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
