I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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