Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize