God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
