i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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