Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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