your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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