I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize