she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
