in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
