Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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