your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Randomize
