Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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