Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
