I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize