i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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