You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
