Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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