Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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