I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
