You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
