My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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