Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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