I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize