i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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