Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
it's like iHOP with fire
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Randomize