I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
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