Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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