dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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