2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
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