Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
