I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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