Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
