is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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