duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
