May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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