What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
