mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
