I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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