it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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