i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
