I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
