What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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