You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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