Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
