it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
