theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
