im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
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