My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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