Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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