i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
