another moral hangover. fuck.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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