I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
