Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
