Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
