any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
