Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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